Here is my truth: the ugly truth. I hated being pregnant. I hated the entire damn thing. I was sick and nauseous the entire pregnancy. Yes, all 9 months.
ALL OF THEM
I remember hearing everyone saying that it gets better once you hit the second trimester....that I would have this “glow”, all this energy, I would feel so alive! Well, BULLSHIT. None of that happened for me. It was one of the hardest and most trying times of my entire life. I was feeling so terrible all of the time, I was exhausted all of the time, and also my husband and I didn’t have our own place to call home. I spent the days hidden away in our 11x11 room. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. From painful carpal tunnel syndrome, acid reflux, and a back that ached so much I couldn’t stand for more than 15-20 minutes at a time....that wasn’t even half of it.
It all added up to being diagnosed with Antepartum Depression. I had heard of Postpartum depression, but had never heard of antepartum, which means depression BEFORE birth. It’s actually not that uncommon but a lot of women don’t even know it exists. So, they suffer in silence. Like I did. What made this even harder was that I believed all the crap that society forces on you when it comes to being pregnant. I felt like I NEEDED to love every minute, like I needed to feel grateful all of the time, like I couldn’t possibly admit that this shit sucked for me. Especially after experiencing a loss (miscarriage)....I felt like I should just be grateful that I got pregnant and was able to have a healthy baby. I didn’t allow myself to just embrace the suck. I fought against it and it just ate me alive.
I’m sharing this because it’s important to talk about it. It’s ok to not like the pregnancy you had. It’s ok to not have the same experience that other people have. It’s ok to go against the societal standard. It’s ok to say “I need help.” It’s ok to be sad at a time when most people think you should be happy. It’s all ok.
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